I feel chaos

I feel like things have been in chaos. It's hard to even put into words all of the things that have been going on... significant things are that I have started a new job and that I have been sick for a couple of weeks now. Other things, little things, so little that I can't even name some of them seem to be keeping my thoughts tied up... busy thoughts, unorganized thoughts.

I have a cluster of feelings... busy, happy, sad, angry, love, pride, dread, disgust, guilt and utter confusion. Some things in our lives are great, some things are better one day than the next, some are always good and some are never good. I crave order and peace.

For the most part the kids are doing well... Somedays, we have struggles. Jessica is getting geared up for school, she is ready and excited. Jordan is growing both bigger and with her words and actions, she has learned that she needs to wear shoes, clothes are coming in at a close second, she is starting to show a preference for clothes sometimes even changing in the morning to something more girly, more pink and sometimes even telling me "Not that one!" when I pick out her clothes. She isn't screaming as much, we are hearing words more often and a variety of words that surprises me everyday. Christian is struggling, somedays he is a cuddle bug an absolute angel, other days he seems to be aiming for terror. On Sunday he was eating better than he has in quite sometime, he was proud of himself too. But just as we started to swell with pride at the strides he was making he made a turn and went on a tour of destruction ending in both girls bleeding. Deep Breaths, it would be easy to give up. I feel a desire to protect the girls but it's my job to protect Christian too... Protecting Christian means sticking to the fight, it means bringing him home where he belongs so that he learns to live a better way, he needs to learn that there are people who he can rely on, people who will put him first. Then he can start to learn to care for others and allow pthers to care for him. Once he learns that there are adults who will make his needs a priority, maybe he won't feel that he has to fight so hard against everyone. I feel torn between fighting for him and fighting to protect the girls. Sometimes, like Sunday when I spent the evening tending to wounds that I feel guilty for bringing this into the girls lives, I feel like it's my fault that they got hurt. I feel like I am choosing him over them. I need balance, I need to know that all of our children are safe and happy. I hate that I feel like I have to choose who gets to be taken care of, I have to choose who gets protected. I am ready to skip to the end, everyone is happy, everyone is healthy, everyone is safe.